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Memoria

PoKeHybrid Trainer

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February 15th, 2018

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Woke up to Dad crashing into the bookcase in the hallway. Could barely peel off a wrapper for cheese and crackers. Find that Jonathan didn't come home yet.

Had a whole night planned just staying home with brother to make him not feel lonely at a time like tonight, where I figure I won't hear from Robyn that I am appreciated despite my busyness.

NOW, I feel bad wasting yesterday opening up the night and buying movies. Apparently getting drunk with loser friends and missing work for half the days since he broke up with his girlfriend for "improving our selves despite loving each other" is more important, despite worrying about him. I may have said to spoil yourself for Valentine's Day without being a couple, but I put my day of spoiling myself aside for others and... that. 3AM and still not home again.

: ( ...Robyn, am I doing enough? Sure could use some encouraging words. Hugs. Compassion. Depressed.

January 21st, 2018

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Did Mel have the same thing? Almost a year since last seeing her. Discord is open to online folks... Maybe I don't matter.

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I'm tired of Fchat. Pervs without manners, folks that disrespect me for being an ace, or flakey folks that can't say they're disinterested or rescheduele yet play with others fine.

If I don't find kina folks like Mel soon, may have to give it up. Too many times making friends there, only to be betrayed.

:(

December 24th, 2017

Thinking and export from AIM

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I was hoping to gift what I wanted from Robyn to have. And talk. Seeing her not around has me sad. Especially with sacrificing seeing family so Dad isn't alone in the house due to social anxiety. Buh.

Mel? Here is where to find me on Discord:

PKHT Jim#0903

Could use a hug, extending myself so much.

Least Robyn honored me with a smile. A lovely one.

October 4th, 2017

Dream Journal...

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Not sure when I am gonna post this, but I have a good 40 minutes on a bus. No work to do, gonna talk about a dream I had this morning. I woke up sobbing, sad. I then decide to scribble notes.

The dream started with me on a bus. I see just about every local friend I made in the past 15-16 years on it. I get off the bus somehow, and telling these people to wait. My local friends (Rick, Cliff, Ken) wave at me in a friendly way, sticking their heads out. I soon get picked up by Dad in his Jeep. That's when I notice it's night out. He drives in one direction while I am in the passenger seat. I seem sullen. Soon the big vehicle takes a U-turn. I look all over pop, and notice something is off.

TF warning. The smells are all wrong at the moment. What should be the aura of cigarette smoke is... Apples. Green Apples. Ragged coughs are being replaced by strong, deep breaths. Him having taken off his shoes, they wiggle before socks are stripped off, as if they know I am watching. Still driving, the breathing sounds soft, no longer the lungs of the smoker but sound pleasant. Below those clenching toes, wince as their broad nails are turning to a bright purple. The running sneakers are turn to black flip flops, found as the softening feet find them. Look so soft, very feminine and youthful. As soon as I see those jeans turn black, I see the Archangel tattoo. OH SHIT. I bring a hand to your back. You wince, not used to the touch. Yeah, you grit your whitening teeth at the discomfort, but soon shake your head no. "I-it's fine," you report. "I'm okay. Are... Are you?" I just nod with a hand holding my mouth.

Comfy baggy jeans and your hips snap to place. Lower half is all you. Reaching to the dash, you seem to be able to get your glasses as if it's always been there. With a stop of the dar at a sign, notice the car has lowered to your sensible Chevy. Your red hair flows over your shoulders, you managing a toothy grin as your brilliant blues appear. Black tee, and you giving me a thumbs up. I have to find my right hand on my lap, and give you that thumbs up back. The viewpoint changes from me to third person seeing the car move on by, us smiling.

Then I wake up, sad. It was wonderful, if more than a bit weird. Knowing my path is away from local folks and to you... That smile... I haven't seen ya smile in so long. Would lighten this sorrow of missing you.

September 25th, 2017

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Working late, no OT since the busy time of Sept. Hearing a love song, thinking of Robyn, and crying. Hope she's okay. Missing her dearly, but not sure if she's too busy. Have to hold back for weeping- still have work to do. *sniff*

September 4th, 2017

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It's 5:35 AM. The room I paid for with my money while local friends are too cheap to pony up the cash for? Hoarding room on the bed that I got for the lot of us. Considering in NYC I even got this hotel room in Staten Island... wow. Wowie. No decency to give me room to sleep on the bed as they're all locking up room on the mattress. The floor is starting to look very comfortable right now, but these fuckers want to use the shuttle to the ferry instead of the local bus. Which is BS since public transit is right outside.

Enough is enough. The Oracle reading from Ken (who is sleeping on the floor, damn) is spot on. Seeing you? Primary objective. These folks are just getting in the way with how unthankful these fuckers are.

Shouldn't vacation be a time to relax? Feels like I am taken advantage of, time and time again. I'm the only one with money most of the time and if I kept a running tally? Each of these three guys would owe me 100 bucks.

5:45AM, they wanna wake at 8 for a 10A shuttle. I'm gonna be home to finish cleaning my room up from the bedbug bombs and get another pillow. By the time I return I hope to be laying down in bed all day.

Missing you. Loving yous.

July 17th, 2017

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All I want to do is sleep. Why do anything?

Need to vent before I burst. We can help each other... Right?

July 2nd, 2017

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Local friends aren't free? Alright. But when folks online are just... not around?

Haven't RPed in months?

Sure work is fine, but I feel depressed. Very depressed. Laying in bed not wanting to do anything depressed.

I haven't seen Robyn online in awhile. Missing her. Now that I am around she seems to be so busy. A lot has happened these last two months. Need to vent. Play. Don't even feel like playing Prey or New Vegas. Fchat is a drought and no one in Discord.

I feel alone.
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